There are days, like this one, when I find myself lost in daydreams....mostly a happy swirl of pink and blonde and little ballet slippers and tiny tutus. Memories come together with my heart to create an inner world that seems so clear and real....
I see my Zoe, big blue eyes shining with unshed tears, one of her eyes already swelling and bruising...her very first "shiner". She'd fallen and I was frantic to help her, rushing to the car, snapping her car seat buckles as quickly as I could with fingers shaking. I knew it hurt. How could it not? I hurt for her. My heart contracted with regret...should I have taken the training wheels off so soon? Why didn't I catch her in time? I was right there, but not quick enough. I see my intrepid baby, holding my hand tight as we walked into the pediatrician's office. Not a peep, not a cry. Her eye was black and blue. We got to a room, I lifted her to the exam table. I was crying myself by this point, my mascara smeared in messy streaks down my cheeks. And as I stopped finally to catch my breath, I looked at my little toddler and couldn't help but laugh out loud right there in the exam room. One beautiful blue eye was nearly hidden by now, under all the swelling and bruising. Her one good eye, however, was winking at me! A huge grin spread across that lovely little happy face. "Mommy!" Her sweet voice rang out in the room. "Did you see me ride like a big girl?!" My heart leapt with joy and gratitude as I reached over to draw her close to me. As always, my Zoe found the good in any situation, this one no exception.
Another daydream pops like a pink bubble in front of me. This is one of Zoe dressed in her favorite kelly green dancing dress, the one with all the ruffles and lace that we got for two dollars at the thrift store down the street. It was one of those dresses little girls wear to their tap dance recitals. We didn't have the money for Zoe to take the lessons but she longed to dance. Our next best thing was to get that dress. Zoe loved it. She would have worn it every day and all night if I had let her. This particular day she was twirling and bowing and dancing with all of her four year old heart. I was watching her, taping it on video so we could sent it to her daddy in Georgia. As she danced, her blue eyes sparkled and shone with joy, and her smile lit up our tiny one bedroom apartment in that cold Indiana town. Suddenly, as I was taping, my little girl got a little dizzy and as she twirled, she twirled right into our old t.v. and she fell down, plopped in a blur of bright green and white lace. Recorded on tape is a moment she and I will never forget. As quickly as she fell, my baby jumped right back up, grinned at me as if nothing happened, didn't miss a beat, and danced her way around the worn sofa and our Salvation Army coffee table....making my shabby world suddenly golden with her joy.
There are so many many dreams, pink with pleasure, that I have of growing up with this little strong independent girl by my side, but I can't put them all in one place. I save them, take them out a little at a time so that I can feel her close by. I didn't believe her when she said she was moving out as soon as she turned 18. I didn't believe it, because I couldn't believe it. I could not imagine my life without those blue eyes, that smile, the heart that captivated every single person she encountered.
But that day came faster than it should have and my little girl dancing became my young woman walking away from me, straight into a brand new shiny life all her own. Tonight we got to share some long-distance time together, via messaging on FB. And she was suddenly three years old again...so happy and excited about her new life in a country across the ocean from her mama. I could hear that sweet voice in my mind, could close my eyes and imagine my baby still dancing, dancing her way into a world that is so, so lucky to have her in it. And even though I worry, as mothers must do, about her so far, far away, I know that if the bumps and bruises come, like that old shiner from so very long ago, my girl will be a survivor. She will look straight past any pain or setback...and I can hear her little voice asking me, once again, "Mommy! Did you see how I did it all by myself?!"
Yes, my girl, I see it. And I see you. You with all your beauty, all your talent, all your goodness of heart and soul. You are my dream come true.
I see my Zoe, big blue eyes shining with unshed tears, one of her eyes already swelling and bruising...her very first "shiner". She'd fallen and I was frantic to help her, rushing to the car, snapping her car seat buckles as quickly as I could with fingers shaking. I knew it hurt. How could it not? I hurt for her. My heart contracted with regret...should I have taken the training wheels off so soon? Why didn't I catch her in time? I was right there, but not quick enough. I see my intrepid baby, holding my hand tight as we walked into the pediatrician's office. Not a peep, not a cry. Her eye was black and blue. We got to a room, I lifted her to the exam table. I was crying myself by this point, my mascara smeared in messy streaks down my cheeks. And as I stopped finally to catch my breath, I looked at my little toddler and couldn't help but laugh out loud right there in the exam room. One beautiful blue eye was nearly hidden by now, under all the swelling and bruising. Her one good eye, however, was winking at me! A huge grin spread across that lovely little happy face. "Mommy!" Her sweet voice rang out in the room. "Did you see me ride like a big girl?!" My heart leapt with joy and gratitude as I reached over to draw her close to me. As always, my Zoe found the good in any situation, this one no exception.
Another daydream pops like a pink bubble in front of me. This is one of Zoe dressed in her favorite kelly green dancing dress, the one with all the ruffles and lace that we got for two dollars at the thrift store down the street. It was one of those dresses little girls wear to their tap dance recitals. We didn't have the money for Zoe to take the lessons but she longed to dance. Our next best thing was to get that dress. Zoe loved it. She would have worn it every day and all night if I had let her. This particular day she was twirling and bowing and dancing with all of her four year old heart. I was watching her, taping it on video so we could sent it to her daddy in Georgia. As she danced, her blue eyes sparkled and shone with joy, and her smile lit up our tiny one bedroom apartment in that cold Indiana town. Suddenly, as I was taping, my little girl got a little dizzy and as she twirled, she twirled right into our old t.v. and she fell down, plopped in a blur of bright green and white lace. Recorded on tape is a moment she and I will never forget. As quickly as she fell, my baby jumped right back up, grinned at me as if nothing happened, didn't miss a beat, and danced her way around the worn sofa and our Salvation Army coffee table....making my shabby world suddenly golden with her joy.
There are so many many dreams, pink with pleasure, that I have of growing up with this little strong independent girl by my side, but I can't put them all in one place. I save them, take them out a little at a time so that I can feel her close by. I didn't believe her when she said she was moving out as soon as she turned 18. I didn't believe it, because I couldn't believe it. I could not imagine my life without those blue eyes, that smile, the heart that captivated every single person she encountered.
But that day came faster than it should have and my little girl dancing became my young woman walking away from me, straight into a brand new shiny life all her own. Tonight we got to share some long-distance time together, via messaging on FB. And she was suddenly three years old again...so happy and excited about her new life in a country across the ocean from her mama. I could hear that sweet voice in my mind, could close my eyes and imagine my baby still dancing, dancing her way into a world that is so, so lucky to have her in it. And even though I worry, as mothers must do, about her so far, far away, I know that if the bumps and bruises come, like that old shiner from so very long ago, my girl will be a survivor. She will look straight past any pain or setback...and I can hear her little voice asking me, once again, "Mommy! Did you see how I did it all by myself?!"
Yes, my girl, I see it. And I see you. You with all your beauty, all your talent, all your goodness of heart and soul. You are my dream come true.
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